Odysseus can't make it. He sent me
As his replacement. Less wily though I am
And unaccustomed to pacific life,
I'll try to say a few words. As you know,
The VFW has done much good
To men in greaves. In many other states
We are the only counselors can bear
Those who in their privies can hear their bowels
Hectored with fear and stress. To those who drink
Their bowls uncut with water, we dispense
Advice and unguents. The Friends of Nestor,
One of our byblows, offer anecdotes
To aid insomniacs. And men who wear
Envenomed shirts and arrows through their pecs,
Who look like fretted porpentines, and weep
When they attempt a sacrifice, attend
Domestic Violence: Making Hearth a Home
And are the calmer for it. I myself,
Mistaking sheep for Trojans, thrice have tried
To join my comrades in their dreamless sleep.
I may be somewhat medicated now;
But in your faces I perceive contempt,
Who never once felt Ares twist your guts,
Or raped a captive, playing she was Helen.
Superior to poontang, I expect,
You nancy stay-at-homes, you gormless helots—
Where are your scars? Show me your hands. Which one
Of you lay bleeding on a bloody field
And cursed your mom for opening her legs?
The roar of Scamander, rising from his bed,
Wiping the plain away with us, the shape
Of what he swept away, I hear in rain.
Let the son of Laertes make his own speech
Next time. We brought some color slides. My friend
Diomedes will show them to you now.